The one where you realize you're standing on yet another trap door

I miss the old you. I miss her so much sometimes it's palpable. It's a lot of the big things. It's feeling good, it's having energy, it's having a memory that works. It's also so many little things. My boys don't get the option of home lunches this year because they have the new me who can't function on a level to print out the lunch menu, find out what days they don't like, and then plan out home lunches accordingly You know, the old me. My boys hear a lot of "maybe tomorrow's" and "I'm so sorry I forgot's". Gavin was the only child who didn't turn in a recipe for the class recipe book they were making as a gift for parents. This was because I was in liver failure and John play's the best me he can, but it's sub par at best. Keaton was the only child who didn't wear blue for frozen day at school because I didn't remind him. My boys no longer expect rides to and from school because they never know how mom will feel. Ollie has adapted to our morning ritual of laying in bed with frozen waffles and watching shows. This is not me. I would never allow this woman near my children. Yet here she is day in and out allowed to make mistakes I would never make. I hate her. I miss me. I am so sorry my boys!

December has been hard, Christmas has been hard. My life is usually one lead up to Christmas and this year I spent the first three weeks of December in bed barely able to move. That meant rushing to fit in all the things I normally do with my family or just letting them go. The old me would never have dropped the ball on such important traditions. Accepting that it is literally out of my hands to do more than what I did was hard. I'm lucky to have my husband who elmers glued a gingerbread house together with my 7 year old. He watched Home Alone with them 100x's, stood in line for an hour to see Santa, and took all three to Christmas at his parents after my liver flared up. I am lucky to have an understanding sister who didn't completely lose it when she found out I wasted $250 on tickets to the Polar express because I bought non refundable tickets for the wrong day. I could have sworn I picked the right day but my brain doesn't work as well as it used to. I'm lucky to have this incredible mother in law who took a week off from her life to come and better mine. I can never repay her for all the loads of laundry and rooms she cleaned. I am lucky to have friends and neighbors who stepped in to give my family the Christmas I couldn't. Also to my friend Shanda who just keeps me sane all the time. I honestly would fall apart without you Shanda. You make me feel normal! Thank you!

I know that 2014 won't be the year that will resolve everything for me. I know I am standing on another trap door. My life is still a mess and just about to get messier. I guess my hope for 2014 is just to have some of my faith back. I'm embarrassed to say that some of my faith has been lost during this ordeal. I try to justify it with six months of doctors appointments thrice weekly, twelve emergency room visits, two hospital stays, four concussions, 2 broken ribs, one malfunctioning autonomic nervous system, one liver that isn't sure what it's doing, 30lbs of weight gain, and a whole lot of dumb ass doctors. I just wonder if God still has his hand on me. Some days I'm so scared that he's gone and I'm left here alone. Which would suck giant balls because I need my God now more than ever. For 2014 I want to work on trusting that he's still with me and that this is all going to work out. A new me will come from this horror and sorrow and she will be a ninja with mad karate skills and a working body. She'll remember to sign permission slips and promises she makes her favorite boys. She will buy freaking capri suns so they can have home lunch any time they want, even on saturdays! She will exercise, run a marathon, and thank God for all she has been given.

So here's to 2014, may my faith in God grow ever stronger!